Okay, Confession: I throw temper-tantrums. I know how this word is usually associated with children when they throw fits but it's not exactly the same with me. We all have our bad days and we all have our good days. I'm usually fine but my temper-tantrums are fast and hurtful. These usually occur when I have to repeat myself more than twice, if I feel challenged by their "try-to be" casual slur, if I'm being criticized on something that I always do, if I'm getting nagged on and ALL kinds of things.
The horrible thing is, coming back to being fast and hurtful, I get so caught up in the moment that I almost forget who I talking to. Soo, I end up saying the most MEANEST words to my mother because of the burst of anger within me. My mother is probably my closest or near closest person, so imagine cursing to her. I just can't believe it. The WORST thing about it is that I can't take back what I said. What's said has been said and cannot be taken back. I've thought about trying to change my behaviour by relieving stress through my hobbies, to try to catch myself in the middle of my tantrum and try to fix it, etc. However, as you can see that never worked. I'm pretty sure this is a common teenager thing but I feel like every time, it ESCALATES to higher, faster levels.
That also reminds me of about 3 incidents where I thought I was LITERALLY going to BLOWUP because my heart was racing sooo fast and I was straight-up SWEATING. I was stressed out and I was angry. I was throwing a tantrum and it just escalated SO FAST, probably in 5 seconds and I was soo angry that I even cried. This was how extreme it got. The good thing is that those are happening not as often so that's a plus. I NEVER want to go through that again. It takes soo long for me to just breathe and calm down.
Now, PRESSURE. I've already said how I love sports. So now imagine: I am practicing one of my favourite sports, Badminton, and I throw a INTERNALLY-CONCEALED tantrum. JUST IMAGINE THAT! I just feel like I shall explain how I felt at the time, which was about a year ago. Okay, so as usual I join my Badminton team at school. I've, at this point been on the team for the 4th year, so I clearly know what I'm doing. That goes back to my pet-peeves: being criticized. I mean, it's fine if you're teaching me something that I haven't learned about before because I personally LOVE to gain knowledge, but if YOU'RE questioning things that I've done for YEARS, we've got a problem. And we did.
We had a new coach. He was very friendly and open. However, the things he taught made me angry. We were taught how to hold our rackets, move around the court and general racket swings. At the time, I was thinking, I already know all these things, why must I learn them again? And soo, we would spend alot of the time practicing these skills. The way he taught would be helpful to many but for me, it was DREADFUL. He would come around to correct our footing or arm or whatever that wasn't right. He would correct you and he'd expect you to listen and obediently follow his example. That's what got to me. I was corrected probably 5 times on ONE stroke -_______-. So, he wouldn't leave me alone to practice UNTIL I somewhat got it. Soo, he would watch, then correct me,then I'd make a swing and he'd correct me. Put that on repeat for 5 times.
That's when I started to just stop caring. I DREADED practice. I didn't like it. I'd walk in the gym feeling like I'm trapped and instantly claustrophobic. That went on for about a month until it started to get better. Sometimes when I would get home after practice, I wanted to down-right POUR OUT. I could feel the tears wield up in my eyes. I once even broke out crying for 15 minutes right before practice ended. That's how far I was pushed and I never want to go there again. To this day, I still remember how it felt like.
I will try hard to work on keeping: Calm & Collected. If you haven't noticed, I have decided to post 4 posts in 1 week. One on the following days: Sun,Tues,Thurs and Sat. Feels good to know that I'm able to let this out :)
- Btw, check out the quotes at the bottom of the blog and I still see this "new coach" and it's cool now soo don't worry (;
Bloomed -> Blooming~
-Melanie
The horrible thing is, coming back to being fast and hurtful, I get so caught up in the moment that I almost forget who I talking to. Soo, I end up saying the most MEANEST words to my mother because of the burst of anger within me. My mother is probably my closest or near closest person, so imagine cursing to her. I just can't believe it. The WORST thing about it is that I can't take back what I said. What's said has been said and cannot be taken back. I've thought about trying to change my behaviour by relieving stress through my hobbies, to try to catch myself in the middle of my tantrum and try to fix it, etc. However, as you can see that never worked. I'm pretty sure this is a common teenager thing but I feel like every time, it ESCALATES to higher, faster levels.
That also reminds me of about 3 incidents where I thought I was LITERALLY going to BLOWUP because my heart was racing sooo fast and I was straight-up SWEATING. I was stressed out and I was angry. I was throwing a tantrum and it just escalated SO FAST, probably in 5 seconds and I was soo angry that I even cried. This was how extreme it got. The good thing is that those are happening not as often so that's a plus. I NEVER want to go through that again. It takes soo long for me to just breathe and calm down.
Now, PRESSURE. I've already said how I love sports. So now imagine: I am practicing one of my favourite sports, Badminton, and I throw a INTERNALLY-CONCEALED tantrum. JUST IMAGINE THAT! I just feel like I shall explain how I felt at the time, which was about a year ago. Okay, so as usual I join my Badminton team at school. I've, at this point been on the team for the 4th year, so I clearly know what I'm doing. That goes back to my pet-peeves: being criticized. I mean, it's fine if you're teaching me something that I haven't learned about before because I personally LOVE to gain knowledge, but if YOU'RE questioning things that I've done for YEARS, we've got a problem. And we did.
We had a new coach. He was very friendly and open. However, the things he taught made me angry. We were taught how to hold our rackets, move around the court and general racket swings. At the time, I was thinking, I already know all these things, why must I learn them again? And soo, we would spend alot of the time practicing these skills. The way he taught would be helpful to many but for me, it was DREADFUL. He would come around to correct our footing or arm or whatever that wasn't right. He would correct you and he'd expect you to listen and obediently follow his example. That's what got to me. I was corrected probably 5 times on ONE stroke -_______-. So, he wouldn't leave me alone to practice UNTIL I somewhat got it. Soo, he would watch, then correct me,then I'd make a swing and he'd correct me. Put that on repeat for 5 times.
That's when I started to just stop caring. I DREADED practice. I didn't like it. I'd walk in the gym feeling like I'm trapped and instantly claustrophobic. That went on for about a month until it started to get better. Sometimes when I would get home after practice, I wanted to down-right POUR OUT. I could feel the tears wield up in my eyes. I once even broke out crying for 15 minutes right before practice ended. That's how far I was pushed and I never want to go there again. To this day, I still remember how it felt like.
I will try hard to work on keeping: Calm & Collected. If you haven't noticed, I have decided to post 4 posts in 1 week. One on the following days: Sun,Tues,Thurs and Sat. Feels good to know that I'm able to let this out :)
- Btw, check out the quotes at the bottom of the blog and I still see this "new coach" and it's cool now soo don't worry (;
-Melanie
That's very interesting. I feel like I can easily relate to you. Also why is there a (n) in the title? Does it stand for noun or something? xD
ReplyDeleteYou asked me but I'll say it again, it's a emoticon on MSN that shows a thumbs-down. And I'm glad it's relate-able because then I won't seem as if I'm perfect, which I am NOT BTW.
ReplyDelete